good morning sunshine

Well I just introduced my boys ( James 3 and Ayden 1) to "Gorrilaz".  Both James and Ayden are enthralled especially with the music video for Clint Eastwood.  Remember back in the day when things actually made sense.  Zombie gorilla's,  a blue phantom/hologram,  and a nod to classic western cinema.  To move to some sort of valid point.  We may be losing something in media/art as the time goes by.  More and more images with less meaning.  Or maybe I'm simply getting old.  out of tuned with the meaning of anything today. To be honest I've never been a real big fan of the "Gorrilaz".  At the time this song came out sure I liked it but I was probably more in to metal or industrial...whichever faze I was heavily into at the time. 
oh the things we miss out on in hopes of looking cool....even if i had no one to look  cool in front of other then myself.... off to make breakfast for the boys...until next time
Later daze...........

d 

So my girl found this book.  I've read the first couple chapters...i have to say if it wasn't for the boys I wouldn't have put it down.  I shall be pleased to review this book once I'm finished.  Also it seems the best price for this book is 1 cent...so come on..it has to be worth every..penny...

T minus your life and counting

throughout the world about 2000 people kill themselves per day
that's approximately 80 per hour.....the first question that comes to my mind after why so few is....how many people fuck up...how many can't do it properly how many of these were simply cry's for help....attention seeking....300,000 reported Americans fuck up a year...remember this is only reported fuck ups..... , about 116,000 are hospitalized....only 6,000 of these don't make it out of the hospital
are we as Americans or even as humans to stupid to off ourselves
people need to be informed about proper dosage and methods...this will leave the space monkey "we shall call them" from lifting off........ leaving them more fucked up then before. gunshots leave a person with brain damage...imagine being a middle class wife with three kids and your husband offs' himself in the only car you own....you have to drive this piece of shit around becuase its all you can afford....now imagine he doesn't do it right this piece of shit fucks up...hell maybe he was afraid of guns and tried pills....with the improper dosage he doesn't die but is set in a vegetative or retarded state.....One eighty-three-year-old woman obtained an insufficient number of pills and lost consciousness but did not die; her daughter ended up smothering her with a plastic bag.....we need to help our homeless help our worthless and weak by helping there souls evacuate there shells.
thats 17% approximately 19,000 people
these people are permanently disabled, restricted in their ability to work, each year, at a cost of $127,000 per person
rates of suicide have increased from 14-24
but you may be shocked to know most suicides are by the elderly
Men kill themselves at about four times the rate for women
suicide rates are actually greater then they are reported
there are multiple reasons for this and there is no may to know how many more then I have stated...whether the locals are idiots and can't tell what the cause was or its hidden as a family secret...
which almost always end up classified as "accidental" or "undetermined" the single-car "accident"(24f) with no skid marks; the "fall" off the night ferry; the "stumble" in front of the train; the "inadvertent" overdose; the gun-cleaning "mishap".......
whats the point what the fuck is all this for?
freedom
to be happy
to be happy no not selfcontained forced fed happy
not the shit were trained to define as happy
true freedom.....that is happiness
we all have our choices we should be informed...there should be no banned books....no banned movies...nothing should be hanned nothing restriced
we should not be told how we should live our lives we should not be told that
we cannot end them....suicide isn't the problem....the education system is
does it make you happy?

the agony and irony of it all

So i have been going threw a few blogs and I've realized that 1 mine is shit...I mean even compared to the least appealing one i have seen.  I feel this almost overwhelming feeling that I am marching around with a bunch  of peacock feathers hanging out of my ass.  Look at me I'm so ungodly important.  While others are simply going about talking about whatever and it seems at least to me is I'm the one with the sick desperation in ever one of my posts.  Same reason I could never post more then one video on youtube...i don't like pushing myself on other people...blogroll or comment on others just to have hopes someone will comment back.  Some sort of social networking nightmare.  my Facebook has a bazillion friends...my blog has so many viewers....I guess I should state my goal here...I want to feel my thoughts are not that of just some lunatic... writing is the only thing I have any talent at...it is also the only thing I am proud of.  Even though I realize I'm not good at it.  If you comment on my blog I will on yours.  But I will only comment honestly as I expect you to do the same.   If you disagree with what I say tell me why....hell debates are all ways fun....and I do need desperately to be put in my place...now for the secret the thing i try to deny even to myself.  I want to be told I am important that my ideas are unique and valid.  I hate myself for this....its the thing that drives me and stops me from putting any real effort into this....no ruff drafts no backspaces no redo's....its all raw and idiotic

is romance dead or just raped?

Everyone has these idea's in there head about how they see themselves and who they are going to become.  We start out wanting to be firefighter's,ballerina's, rock stars, me i wanted to be a ice cream man.  As we get older television, books, movies, full of romanticized monsters, junkies, prostitutes, and pirates.  We find out Santa Claus is not real.  We also find out what our teachers tell us about Columbus is a lie.  People wonder why so many people stop going to church.  Or even believing in god all together.  How are children born into so many lies, how are they to truly believe in anything?  We hear loud noises people talking about bettering us as a whole...or at least as a country.  We find out to be politicians....maybe just maybe all the lies are the things that are suppose to prepare us for democracy....maybe there the things that are there to desensitize us. Well it sounds like Ayden woke up...these are my thoughts during nap time.....

Who will save me from being a man?

Alcohol saved the two male  role models in my life of this task.  If our fathers are our Earthly representations of god.  Then Maybe you can see why I find it so difficult to pray.  As for me I shall shortly become a father....My son Mathayus full of innocence and youth....his name underlined as a type...but he's the only part of my life that isn't a mistake.  Who will save him?  I am surely not qualified.  Shall I let go of tradition for a whim?  One step at a time.  Maybe Mathayus will find  comfort into praying to a ever loving god.....And be the man I could never be.

The beginning

I'm a child of the 90's and maybe that has something to do with it.  At this point in life I'm sure its safe to say I'm physically an adult.  Mentally...well...I haven't felt this close to being as such.  I'm going to be a father in a matter of a couple months.  I just can't help feeling disgusted at where the world is going.  I have been well aware of this for some time now.  It never mattered before...downward spiral...fuck it all and fucking no regrets...  But all of a sudden I wake up one day...its the first point in my life where everything I do or everything I don't do matters....So it brought me to some serious self searching....I had time to think about that one thing...the thing that I'm good at...the thing that I'm proud of.  The talent I possess that other don't.  I came up with nothing.  So I went for the next best thing.  The one thing I am proud of.  Writing  So this is it my attempt at being a writer, a father, and a husband.  oh and hopefully a chronicle of me going threw college.   or at the very least making it to the front door........

Year	Population×109	Mean IQ
1950	2.55	91.64
1975	4.08	90.80
2000	6.07	89.20
2025	7.82	87.81
2050	9.06	86.32